1 in 4

One in Four

 

This week Alex and I have experienced our hardest days as newlyweds. We went in to the doctor’s office for what we thought would be a routine, nine week ultrasound. We were both excited and anxious to see our little baby for the first time on the monitor. Unfortunately, that excitement was short lived.

We had talked about trying for another baby as soon as the wedding was over. We have been together for six years, our daughter would be four before another came along, and the timing felt right. So, a couple weeks after the wedding we started trying. We left for our honeymoon at the end of August and enjoyed a wonderful vacation in the Mediterranean. I wanted to test as soon as we got back from the honeymoon, but Alex wanted to wait. If you know me, than you know I can be very impatient. As soon as I dropped our daughter off at preschool that Monday, I went to the store, bought a box of pregnancy tests, and rushed home. I was elated when two pink lines appeared almost immediately and couldn’t wait for Alex to get home to share the good news. I put the test in a box and our daughter gave it to him, saying she had made him something. He was so excited when he saw what was inside and from that moment on, the new baby made its way into daily conversations and our hearts.

 

 

I had experienced a small amount of bleeding in my eighth week and had gone to see the midwife because I was concerned. She talked with me and reassured me that a lot of women experience bleeding during their first trimester of pregnancy. She went so far as to tell me, “If I were a betting woman, I would bet this baby is just fine.” I was sent to the lab for blood work to make sure my hormone levels were where they should be.

I anxiously awaited a phone call back to make sure everything was going well. Two days is a long time for someone who has not mastered the art of patience. My midwife called me back on Friday, while I was waiting for my daughter to get out of her music class. She told me that my HCG levels were, “through the roof,” and even mentioned that we could possible be pregnant with multiples. However, my progesterone wasn’t quite where they would like. She said that I could try a progesterone supplement, but due to the outrageous cost, and the fact that there is no strong, clinical evidence that it helps, I chose not to. My ultrasound was scheduled for the following week. I was so excited to be able to see the little nugget sooner than planned.

We sat in the waiting room anxiously awaiting our turn to go back. Finally, a woman called my name and we were ushered into the ultrasound room. I lay down in the chair, she put gel on my stomach, and the first thing we saw was that there was only one baby on the monitor, not two. We joked, as Alex breathed a sigh of relief. The ultrasound technician took some measurements, but then told us that she needed to do a trans-vaginal ultrasound to “see things a little better.” There wasn’t much of a difference and I felt a little concerned that the baby seemed so still.

Eventually the perky technician told us that she could not see a heartbeat. She showed us where it should be and that we should see a little fluttering there. She decided to listen and see if we could hear it, but there was only silence. All of that excitement we had been feeling just a few minutes ago vanished. It was heartbreaking and soul crushing to see your baby on the monitor feel your body changing, know that the baby was still in there, but that it was no longer alive. The doctor came in and told us that the baby had stopped growing at nine weeks, just two days prior. She left the room to give Alex and I some time to ourselves. I broke down.

We moved to another room to sit with the doctor to ask questions and discuss options. It was overwhelming to be expecting a healthy pregnancy, learn that the baby had passed, and then discuss what needed to happen next. Our doctor was very kind and sympathetic. She made sure to tell me over and over that there was nothing that I could have done to prevent this. She stated that I was “one in four women who miscarry before 20 weeks.” She explained that I could pass the fetus naturally, but that it would be a gruesome and painful experience or that I could have a dilation and curettage (D & C). Being a stay at home mother and not wanting to have any of this happen around my daughter, I chose to have a D & C. Thankfully they were able to get the procedure scheduled on Friday, just two days later.

Friday morning my dad showed up at our house to watch our daughter while Alex and I left for the hospital. I was checked in and prepped for surgery. I have horrible veins and it took two tries and a lot of digging to finally get an IV placed. I had to take antibiotics, anxiety medicine, and be screened for Ebola. The nurse brought in a stack of papers for me to sign and one of them stood out more than the others, it was the fetal death certificate and permission for cremation. It took everything I had not to break down, but I kept it together. After a few hours I was wheeled back to the freezing, sterile operating room. The anesthesiologist placed the oxygen mask on my face, while my doctor held my hand and hugged me as I cried myself to sleep.

I woke up a couple of hours later crying, nauseous, and experiencing severe cramping. I felt empty. They gave me anti-nausea and pain medications and sent me back to the recovery room. Alex came back and we waited for them to discharge us. It took forever for a wheelchair to get to us, but eventually, I was wheeled to our car, and headed home. I spent the rest of the night crying and resting.

I think things have finally settled in. I no longer feel pregnant anymore. No one tells you how devastating this experience truly is. I’ll admit that I used to think that women exaggerated the pain they felt from a miscarriage. I thought they couldn’t possibly be as torn up about losing something they have never met as they lead on. For some, I thought they wanted attention and sympathy. I no longer think like that. I cannot possibly explain to someone who has never been through this what it is like. You carry a baby for nine weeks and you have all of these dreams and future plans made out, and then it’s taken away.

It’s sad that women feel the need to keep their miscarriage(s) a secret. Now that I’ve been inducted into the horrible one in four club, I can see why it is kept quiet. People have absolutely no clue how to comfort or what to say. There is no protocol for this kind of loss. They try and tell you to see the positives in the situation, to be thankful for what you have, there’s always next time, or that you’re lucky it happened early on in the pregnancy.  These are just some of the examples I’ve heard in the past four days. The last thing I feel is lucky and I sure as hell don’t see any positives in this. It is devastating and painful.

The only thing I am thankful for is the couple of women who have come out of the wood work to support me, because they know exactly how it feels. They have gone through the same thing. While it still raw and overwhelming for me right now, it is comforting to know that I’m not alone. I have a small support group and I’m sure that I will be even more thankful for them in the coming days and months.

I think I am currently experiencing the bitter stage of grief. My first pregnancy was unplanned and protected against. I was never able to enjoy that pregnancy nor look forward to the future. This was supposed to be different. We did it the “right way” this time and we were finally able to celebrate the way a pregnancy deserves. However, the celebration is over. Not only are we grieving the loss of this baby, but this experience will also bring a dark cloud on the next pregnancy, when and if that happens. We will be too scared to tell anyone and I will be terrified of going through the same thing. It just feels very unfair.

I know that I will get stronger as the days go on, but I won’t ever truly be over this loss. I am forever changed. I will mourn every October 15^th, the day of the ultrasound and ironically infant loss awareness day, October 17^th, the day of my D & C, and May 18^th, our little baby’s due date. It is going to be rough for a few months, but I know that I will get through this.

Be with Me

 

 

I have been in such a reading "funk" lately. I've felt overwhelmed with all of the wedding planning and things surrounding the big day. I mean, who knew that one day could take so much preparation? Thankfully, Jennifer Armentrout (J. Lynn) pulled me out of my funk with Be with Me.

 

I actually had the chance to meet Jennifer Armentrout at a book signing a few months ago and she had the group rolling. She's sarcastic, hilarious, and very down to earth. I already loved all of the books I had read by her, but I'm an even bigger fan now.

 

 

 

Be with Me is Theresa and Jase's very raw, yet adorable, love story. Theresa first met Jase after he started coming to her parents' house to visit her brother, Cam. They shared a passionate kiss, one that she compares anyone after to, but Jase fell off the face of the Earth after that. Theresa, a dancer, tore her ACL and attends the same college as Cam and Jase while waiting to heal and return to dancing. There seems to be an instant connection between Tess, as Jase calls her, and Jase and soon they're having to face skeletons in their past to ensure a future together.

 

Everything about this story drew me in. The love between Jase and Jack was so sweet, I'm a mother so this had me hooked in pretty quick. Jase was clearly a hottie, Theresa was a victim turned bad ass survivor, and those two together were swoon worthy... I loved it. I was so glad it turned out the way it did for them in the end. I'd even love to see more of these two in the future. 







One Tiny Lie

 

 

I had an awful time getting into this book. It took me forever to read because I was avoiding it for so long. I enjoyed Ten Tiny Breaths, but this just didn't do it for me.

 

Livie is starting at Princeton. Kacey comes to help her move in and spark a social life. Livie, Kacey, and Reagan, Livie's roommate, attend a frat party. Livie gets drunk and throws herself at Princeton's beautiful, man whore, Ashton. He is the complete opposite of anything she, or her parents, would want for herself. But, as she starts a relationship with Ashton's best friend, Connor, she can't seem to get him out of her head. This is a book about self discovery and ultimately allowing yourself to accept that your goals and paths in life may change.

 

I just never connected with the characters in this book. Livie was a straight A, super geek smart, student, but as soon as she meets Ashton all of that changes. I just found this so far fetched. She's strived her whole life to get into and attend Princeton, but she never seems to study. She's always partying or with one of the guys (Ashton or Connor). I understand that she realizes that her childhood career aspiration did not pan out. I've been there before, but I also worked my ass off before I realized that it wasn't for me. I even understand her feelings of not fitting in at Princeton. I had the exact same feelings my freshman year of college and I transferred, but that's not to say that I partied all of the time. It just seemed very passive.

 

Let's not get me started on Dr. Stayner, I cannot stand his character in this book. I do not believe that any psychologist would do half of the things that he did. I know that this is a work of fiction, but come on. What doctor would suggest that an underage girl go to frat parties and drink? None.

 

The only redeeming quality in this book for me was Ashton. I'm a sucker for a guy with a dark past (cliche, I know). I could do without the whole man whore aspect because I really think that's been overdone in this genre.

 

Overall, I was underwhelmed with Livie's story. She annoyed me in in Ten Tiny Breaths so I didn't really expect to like her more in this. With that being said, I still love K. A. Tucker, and I will most definitely be reading her next books. 

The Sea of Tranquility

 

 

The Sea of Tranquility is heartbreakingly beautiful. I loved it so much and it's not often that you feel changed after reading a book, but this is one of those for me. My words couldn't possibly give this book the praise and credit it deserves. It is beyond moving and quickly moved up to number one on my "favorites" list.

 

Nastya is the new girl in school. It's her senior year, but she is not interested in fitting in or making friends. Her attire alone tends to repel most people, but as if that is not enough, she doesn't speak. All of that changes when Josh Bennett enters her life. He's sitting alone at lunch and she is impressed by the imaginary force field that seems to emanate from him and keep people away. She instantly wants to know him. Nastya and Josh become close, but her secrets are constantly lingering. When everything comes out, they both realize how much they need one another.

 

I've never read a book where the last page (or three) were my absolute favorite. I just loved Nastya/Emilia/Sunshine's "last secret" for Josh. It was an absolute perfect ending. I know I'm gushing, but this book was the epitome of perfection.

 

While Nastya and Josh weren't your typical young adult characters, I found them to be endearing. Katja Millay did an amazing job in taking raw pain and suffering and turning it into something beautiful. I am in awe of her and cannot believe that this was her first book. Needless to say, I cannot wait for more from her. 

Rule

 

 

This book had been suggested to me several times before I have in and read it. Boy am I glad that I did. If you you're looking for a read full of tension and angsty love, then this is for you.

 

Shaw Landon has plans to become an ER surgeon. She leads an extremely busy life, putting others before herself and constantly trying to live up to her parents' expectations. She's prim and proper on the outside, but inside she knows it is just a front. She has been in love with Rule Archer for years. Unfortunately for her, most days he doesn't even acknowledge her existence. The two grow closer after a drunken night together, but Shaw carries a secret that could not only destroy Rule, but the whole Archer family.

 

At the beginning of this book I hated Rule. I am not attracted to the whole man whoring type of guys that tend to find themselves in novels. Ladies, why do you find that attractive?! However, my feelings changed once he started to fall in love with Shaw. He was sweet and irresistible as far as book boyfriends go. Still, I would love to see more of books from this genre take a pass on the whole reformed man whore scenario.

 

I definitely saw the whole thing with Remy, Rule's twin, coming. I had a feeling from the beginning that Shaw didn't have a relationship with him because he was gay. I wish that we could have seen more of their friendship (a prequel) because it seemed so loving and endearing.

 

This book had me hooked from the first page. There was so much angst- I LOVED it. I cannot wait to read Jet, Rome, and Nash's stories. I'm so glad that I've been introduced to Jay Crownover and her bad boys. 

A Beautiful Wedding

 

 

I have to say that I was disappointed in this novella. A Beautiful Wedding is the story of Travis and Abby's wedding. I loved Beautiful Disaster, but I thought that Walking Disaster kind of dragged the story into the ground. This just made me sad.

 

 

First of all, you should definitely read Beautiful Disaster and Walking Disaster before you start this. The novella starts after the fire at Keaton Hall. Abby is worried that she will lose Travis and that he will be charged for the fire. She makes a last minute decision to fly to Las Vegas and get married. Her ultimate goal once she gets there is to get married as quickly as possible in hopes that Travis won't be blamed and charged for the fire.

 

The whole scenario really pissed me off. It's obvious that Abby is in love with Travis but she wouldn't have married him when she did if she wasn't worried about him going to prison. Travis was so excited about the wedding and thrilled to become Abby's husband. I just found it a little heartbreaking that he didn't know what was driving her decision. It wasn't love, it was the fear of losing him.

 

 

"If I pulled the wedding off and kept Travis out of prison without him knowing why, it would be my best bluff yet."

 

 

While the rushed wedding and the reasoning behind it irritated me, I still love Travis and Abby. I was happy that they had a vow renewal and were able to include all of the people that they love.

 

Now the important question? Who is ready for Trent's story? I know I am!! Beautiful Oblivion is set to release later this year. 

Maybe Someday

 

 

Oh, Colleen Hoover, you've done it again. Honestly you can do no wrong. I just love your books more and more with each one I read. Maybe Someday was no exception. I was hooked from the first page and I knew before I was even half way through that this was going to be my favorite book of all time, ever.

 

Maybe Someday is about a music education major, Sydney, who is helping her guitarist neighbor, Ridge, write music. They both become very attached to one another, even though they do their best to fight it.

 

Colleen Hoover teamed up with the very attractive musician, Griffin Peterson (he's also the cover model on Losing Hope), to incorporate music throughout the book. There is a spot for you to scan a bar code with your smart phone and you can listen to the songs that Sydney and Ridge write together. It makes for an awesome and unique reading experience. I loved the music as much as the book.

 

I cannot gush enough over the characters in this novel. They were all so perfect. Sydney, Ridge, Warren, Maggie, and even Bridgette- they were all strong, confident, and they all had a sense of humor (especially Warren). I'm not sure that I've read a book recently where I liked all of the characters. I know this is a stand alone novel, but I sure hope that Mrs. Hoover surprises us all and gives us more Sydney and Ridge..... please?!